You’re Not Behind

Illustration by Paige Wang

A few weeks ago, while I was drinking my fifth cup of iced coffee and listening to a playlist titled “head empty, no thoughts” I burst into heavy tears. 

Why? 

Earlier that week, I had managed to complete two assignments. I wrote an article about the importance of teaching about the Holocaust, sent out a handful of emails, had phone calls with potential interview sources, took a final, and updated my LinkedIn profile to reflect my latest interviews and articles that were published. In the middle of it all, I had somehow also binged watched The Umbrella Academy in two sittings. (It takes approximately 9 hours to watch it all.)

I should have felt accomplished, right? I mean, even writing it down now, it seems like I achieved so much. While I was working, however, I felt nothing at all. If anything, I had spent that week fretting over not doing more. 

So as I sat there, stalking my classmates’ LinkedIn profiles and reading about their resumes, I didn’t know which was worse: the belief that I am a failure because I supposedly can’t reach the achievements and accolades of my classmates, or that my worth is measured in the amount of things I can accomplish.  

If the latter is true, then I am a complete and utter failure; even when I’ve accomplished noteworthy things which aren’t deemed important for a world imploring you day in and day out to create, distinguish yourself, innovate on its terms. 

Or is there an option C? Has hustle culture become toxic, and has comparing myself to others become a daily habit of mine? 

If you type in hustle culture into Google, the first thing that shows up is this: “In a nutshell, hustle culture (as the name also implies) means constant working. It means devoting as much of your day as possible working — hustling. There is no time out or time in at work. Work is done in the office, outside the office, at home, at coffee shops — anywhere.”

I ask of you this: how many times have you been out, enjoying your night, and worried you were spending your free time wrong? How many times have you been warned by others that you have to make a name for yourself to stand out?

It’s not that these things are inherently bad — they’re not. It does start to become harmful, however, when it hinders your ability to give yourself time to grow.

Ask yourself, are you growing out of the mold? The mold of hustling toward your goal 24/7, trying to make your life fit around the edges for big plans in your future. Or into it? Which is to say, you’re trying to better yourself, take opportunities because you feel ready for it and because you want to. 

It’s hard to recognize which one is which, especially when it all feels so similar.  

In fact, all last month I kept thinking, “Oh god, I should be doing something, right?” And then I would become insomnia-ridden thinking about how, instead of stressing about work, I could be reaching out to people and accomplishing more. Even last night, I was thinking about how I shouldn’t have been brainstorming this essay and instead have been working on a grand project that would lead me to the next step in my career. 

I could tell you the reason for taking on so much is because I’m trying to make a name for myself doing what I enjoy, in a world where it’s already hard enough to get your foot in the door. However, the more I think about this habitual practice, the more I realize that I felt like I was already behind.

This feeling of being left behind doesn’t have to be academically or career-wise. This feeling could stem from anywhere, really. 

Take Billie Eilish as an example. I’m older than her by exactly two months. However, Billie already has an entire career laid out in front of her. This is not to say that she doesn’t have her own challenges and struggles that come with superstardom because there are so many  — it’s the fact that when you think about it in terms of age, it seems like Billie Eilish is somewhere I could’ve been. Even when it doesn’t make sense. 

Or take the people you continuously stalk on Instagram from high school. How many times have you stumbled upon their profiles and compared yourself to where you are in your life to where they are in theirs? Do you sometimes feel like you’re not doing enough? Like you’re behind although you each lead different lives and have different ambitions? 

The thing is though, you don’t need to have accomplished something grand to be worth something. You don’t need to have your calendar filled and you definitely don’t need to know what you’re doing with your life. 

So let me say this once more: No, you’re not behind. It’s okay to take your time and let yourself revel in the path you’re taking, you’ll get there. 

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

— Robert Frost