mama before ma’am
It has been months since the terrible occasion in that place I had never been. My heart goes out to all the lil mamas crying on their porch right now. Smokin that wood with tears streaming your mascara. I love you mamas. You don't need to explain your beauty to me. Your infinite beauty. A quarter of us will feel that pain before anyone calls us ma'am.
I hug you with my eyes every time I catch your shadow turning the corner, get home safe mamas.
What did the woman driving the bus think, did she think, what could she have done? He had my body curling inwards, hands shaking, he thought I was turned on. I don't know how I'm supposed to love myself after that. After what he did to me. After what I did to myself. After what I did to him. After, I cried it out, fucked it out.
I didn't run.
Mamas, please get home safe. Text me when you lock the doors. Look out your windows, check for shadows lurking, find none, go to sleep and dream of peace mamas. How could I look in the mirror without remembering the tears that never had the chance to run free beside my burning cheeks? My sorrow deserved more than that. I love you because I know you love me too.
You don't gotta say it, just lift the corner of your mouth slightly, let me know you felt my love.
Remember when we went to school? I never thought I would miss sprinting to the nearest bathroom to cry and contemplate. Sometimes, one more than the other. I found beauty in the pretty people around me. I could tell we were all trying to hide the same feelings beneath our foggy eyes and twitching figures. Without those halls and those melancholy ladies, all I have is the real world. And it’s fucked up people. And its unforgiving nature. And how am I meant to find love in myself when they try to gut me like a fresh-caught fish every time I manage to love the bones I rest on? Did he never contemplate tossing me back in, fuck for sport instead of sustenance?
How many times can you fry the same fish?
Finding beauty in an open wound is no easy feat. I locked myself indoors for three days. I tried to find love in my own eyes. I found love. I found sadness. I found a hurting little girl in a woman's body, begging to be noticed and remembered. Please get home safe mama, please, I’ll sleep tonight if I know you're safe. Too many nights I fall asleep unsure of the safety of those I care for and those I have no idea of. Mamas get home safe, and papa please treat her right. You don't know the mind that lurks behind those eyes you find so tempting. Behind that wall rests the little we all hope remains to the last moment.
Baby, please keep her safe. Baby, please keep her safe. Baby just please keep her safe. Walk her home. All the way.
That's all I needed.